Oh no. Is it Happening Again?
How Self-Inquiry Into this 3 a.m. Question Has Taught Me Resilience
I hate to confess the thought still lingers in my mind.
When the clock flashes 3 a.m. and I’ve been squirming under the sheets for hours, I can’t stop my entire body from tensing up with fear as a reaction to the very question that is playing on repeat in my mind.
Defeated, I’ll sometimes then get out of bed, eat, read, or just wander the house to pass the time, all in an attempt to ignore the silent alarm that has been triggered in my brain.
Oh no. Is it happening again?
It’s obviously not a requirement to have struggled with a mental health challenge like me to ask yourself this question. Perhaps you’re someone who has experienced another illness or pain in your body that is suddenly acting up and robbing your sleep; or maybe you’re wide awake because you fear your lover is cheating again; or it could be simply too much stress at work or insomnia that is preventing you from dozing off.
The truth is most of us can worry over the question, ‘is it happening again,” because it is universal, and applies to a wide variety of personal experiences.
Yet, when you are someone with lived experience in mental illness, or repeated mental health struggles, asking yourself this question in the darkness during the wee hours of the morning can intensify the degree of discomfort and anxiety when it’s actually your state of mind that is in question. Many times, it has led me to doubt myself and my sanity.
It was lack of sleep, racing thoughts, and mania that first sent me to the psych ward in 2003. It happened all over again the following year; and even again the year after that. Although I’ve now been in mental health recovery for close to two decades, I deeply understand I am not cured; I am still susceptible at any time. You may notice I don’t state my diagnosis here; I choose not to because I think it’s irrelevant. Every one of us is suffering from something. But when I can’t seem to sleep, my mind immediately returns to it’s happening again as my first thought. If I allow it, that thought can then spiral out of control and prevent any sleep at all from finding me, which inevitably means I struggle throughout the next day.
When that happens, a cycle of doubt has been ignited, even when I know that I’m perfectly mentally well.
But over time, I’ve learned how to examine the is it happening again thought with a series of self-inquiry questions that help to ease my mind, as well as give me the permission to trust myself and what I know to be true.
The inquiry usually goes like this:
First, I’ll assess the situation. I begin by exploring how my sleep was the night before, or most recently. I look for a pattern. I also notice my environment, if I’m too hot, or too cold, or if I managed to get any sleep at all.
Next, I evaluate the day to see if I was worried, or upset about something, even if it’s on a subconscious level. I’ll sit with that for a moment. If I am upset, I purposedly don’t journal or write about the distress at that time because I don’t want to give it any more attention and prevent my ability to sleep even more. But it’s a clue to represent what is going on with my mind.
I continue the series of questions with a review of my mental fitness and ask myself if I forgot to take my medication that day or the day before. I also make a mental note to find out when my next appointment with my doctor is scheduled. Here, I also examine my physical activity and nutrition. Have I been taking care of myself or slacking off? These are all hints of my overall level of mental wellness.
Lastly, I examine my relationships to determine if I’ve been socializing or keeping more to myself. Have I been isolating or choosing to work instead of spending quality time with my friends and family? If I am working too much, where can I find some relief? Who can I turn to for support?
Once I’ve satisfactorily completed those questions, which usually take less than one minute, two minutes top, and often while I’m still lying in bed, I then ask myself directly, and out loud, the most important question of all.
Am I manic? (Replace said question with your own symptom or warning sign).
What my own lived experience has taught me is that if I was, I wouldn’t be asking the question at all because when I am manic, I don’t know that I am. I am speaking again only from my experience. Once I confidently answer NO, the alarm bells in my body suddenly shift to quiet, and I can either try to sleep, or practice meditation, or read, but now I know I am doing it from a place of calm and stillness, instead of fear and anxiety.
If during those series of questions, I realize I did misstep, or forget my medication, I vow to do better tomorrow. In other words, I choose to let myself off the hook. The difference today is that those missteps no longer hold my mind hostage like they once did. It’s in those quiet moments of reflection that I also love to acknowledge myself for just how well I am doing and how much I have overcome to get to this place.
I’ve wrestled with the question for so many years now, I can’t say if the thought, is it happening again, will ever 100 percent completely disappear from my mind. But what I can say is that it’s become much more subtle, and its power over me continues to decrease every time, which often eliminates the need for self-inquiry at all.
In those situations, I then turn to meditation. One of the specific meditations I like to practice when I can’t sleep can be found on the app Insight Timer by davidji, an internationally acclaimed meditation teacher. I didn’t know that about him when I found the ‘Slowing Down Your Mind’ meditation, and honestly, I don’t listen to any others by him, but this meditation designed to bring the listener into the present moment I’ve found extremely helpful. It focuses on one small part at the beginning and ending of the breath as the only still point, the space between your breath, your words, and actions, a millisecond of pure inactivity. Listening to his voice, and concentrating on that space, often puts me right to sleep. But if it doesn’t, I settle in with a book (usually one I’m completely uninterested in), in case it might be a long night.
Research shows repeatedly just how crucial sleep is to our level of mental wellness, yet it continues to be a significant struggle for so many people in the world today, with or without a mental health challenge.
It is my belief that we get better together with community. Maybe it’s a class or a supportive group, but even two people sharing their experience with each other creates community. When we share our struggles with someone else, it cuts them in half. We begin to feel relief.
With that in mind, how do you silence the question, “is it happening again,” if it happens to you? What are your favorite resources or must-haves for good sleep hygiene? What is your own nightly routine? I’d love to hear from you in the comments.
In the meantime, I will see you again next Wednesday.
Be Well,
Michele
Thank you so much, Akanksha, for your comment. Yes, sleep is the most important thing to our mental wellness, and so many of us struggle. I love so much that you disconnect from the online world two hours before bed. I know that makes the biggest difference, but it's still so hard for me to do. My alarm is on my phone so often, without even realizing it, I do a last minute scroll before I get into bed. I am still working on that one... :-)
Thank you for sharing your story and insights with such honestly, Michele. I can relate—I often struggle with sleep too. It’s tough to quiet my anxious, overthinking mind, but I try. One thing that's been helping me is to pause work and disconnect from the online world at least 2 hours before bed. And yes, meditation works for me too. I enjoyed reading your post.