Three Steps to Stop Unraveling from Unrealistic Expectations
Why am I constantly disappointed?
It was New Year’s Eve.
I was in Florida with a man who I was not yet married to, but we were discussing marriage.
When we came back from the beach, I showered, straightened my hair, put on makeup, as well as a perfect little black dress with five-inch heels.
When I came out of the bedroom, he was dressed in sweats, lying on the couch, watching the Lakers.
We had never talked about our plans for the evening, yet I had an entire romantic vision playing out in my mind.
He expected we would stay in and watch the game.
When my expectations weren’t met, I wasn’t just disappointed and angry, I began to doubt the whole validity of the entire relationship.
Our energy levels are different.
This relationship will never work.
That night became a New Year’s we’d never forget as I started an enormous fight and ruined the rest of the evening for both of us.
Is it Wrong to Have Expectations?
There is nothing wrong with having high expectations of ourselves and others, but when we become so attached to our expectations that we are unable to see the reality of a situation it can prevent us from making good decisions.
In that situation, the truth was that we went out to dinner all the time and it wasn’t our first holiday together. We had also driven almost 20 hours the day before. I didn’t need to end the relationship, what I needed to do was get my expectations in check, or at the very least, communicate them.
Our expectations shape and bend our reality. They have the power to change our life, emotionally and physically, because what we expect often shapes what is going to happen next.
One of the passages from my 12-step recovery book that I return to over and over again says, “my serenity is inversely proportional to my level of expectations. I can watch my serenity level rise when I discard my expectations, but then my rights try to move in and force my serenity level down. I have to discard my rights and expectations by asking myself, how important is it really?”
“How important is it compared to my serenity and mental wellbeing?”
I find myself returning to that question a lot when my expectations are not met by people or situations. Even in communication with others, I want instant gratification. I must reel myself back in when I send an email or text because I want one right back, then begin to orchestrate my expectations around what it means when I don’t receive an answer immediately.
Really, in the grand scheme of things, was the fact that my partner didn’t want to go out to dinner worth the all drama I created? The answer is it never is. But managing my expectations has become something I must practice daily, especially in the age of social media, which can leave us in constant comparison of what we think our lives should look like. When that is coupled with the pressure of societal expectations of what it means to succeed, we can put our mental wellbeing at risk if we don’t have a barometer, a checkpoint to return back to.
These three steps help me keep my mental wellbeing and expectations in proper alignment.
1.) Stay in the moment. When our thoughts are in the now, and not trapped in a past or future scenario, we are able to see them more clearly. It is in this space that we also can question them. Then it becomes less about what someone else did or didn’t do, or how they should or shouldn’t have reacted, but about what we are doing now. When we can see our thoughts are robbing us of our peace, and know that we are the creator of our thoughts, we can change them.
2.) Practice Gratitude. When we focus on what we do have, instead of what we don’t, we open ourselves up for even more things to be grateful for. If something has not gone the way you expected it to, and you jot down three things that you are grateful for right now, no matter how small, your entire perspective shifts. I’d encourage you to handwrite what you are grateful for, not on a computer or in the notes section of your phone, but pen to paper because research has shown that the act of handwriting as similar effects in our brain that are found in meditation. It is also impossible to be negative or unhappy when you have a grateful heart.
3.) Listen with your heart. Often, when we are expecting someone to do something, or react in a certain way, and then they don’t, that is when we can begin to project our mental filters onto what we think is happening and miss what is actually being said. When allow ourselves to slow down long enough to accept that a situation is not going the way that we had intended, we can open ourselves up to a new possibility that might be better than what we originally thought. There is power in accepting what is.
These three steps take practice, but the more you do them, the less unrealistic expectations will be able to get the best of you.
I’d love to hear some of your own tips for managing expectations, share them in the comments.
I have a short, guided visualization and workbook of mental wellness strategies that can also support you in staying in the present moment that you can download for FREE here.
My own journey to mental wellness began more than a decade ago after a mental health crisis kept me stuck, crippled by self-doubt and never feeling good enough at my core until I learned how to set myself free. Now one of my true passions is to guide others to their own freedom by supporting them in getting unstuck from the repetitive patterns holding them back so that they can boldly step out of their comfort zones, stand in their truth confidently, and discover true peace to achieve their goals from the inside out. If you are interested in working with me directly to discover how private 1:1 coaching can support you, email michele@michelecapots.com to schedule a FREE 60-minute clarity call.
Finally, this summer, I am launching an eight-week group coaching mastermind, Being Unapologetically You, so that you can finally connect or reconnect with who you are truly meant to be. Details will be coming soon.
As always, I am aware there are so many things vying for your attention these days, so I truly appreciate you taking the time to read this far. Please hit the SUBSCRIBE button to get a new post delivered directly to your inbox next week.
Until then.
Be Well,
Michele