The Freedom of Forgiveness
But why can’t I forgive myself?
We are taught as children how to forgive.
Sally steals our toy from the sandbox, and we cry hysterically at our loss.
But as soon as she returns it, we immediately forgive her.
No explanation. No apology even needed. The event is simply forgotten as quickly as it began.
If only the practice of forgiveness was still that simple.
Instead, many of us are prone to hold onto hurt; we can swim in it. We allow resentment to fester inside us, and when left unchecked, that hurt can simply become a way of being.
While it is difficult to forgive others, I have found it is even more difficult when the person we have to forgive is ourselves.
I discovered the Greek word for forgive is aphiemi, which means “to let go or release.” That is a sidenote. I have also discovered that anything we haven’t forgiven from the past will just keep showing up in our future. That means it will keep repeating itself over and over again until we have the courage to face it and finally release it.
We may not forgive ourselves for something because we feel guilty. We know we should have done something else. Maybe we judge ourselves for it, or worse, feel shame over something we think we have said or done that is wrong. Recently, one of my biggest struggles has been to forgive the old version of me for my behavior and the very mess I created when I did not know any better, which I have to clean up now. It sounds so easy. Just let it go. Move on. Aphiemi.
But it is not.
Often, we berate ourselves, or let me speak for myself, I berated myself until I couldn’t physically stand it anymore. I am the only one who feels pain when I choose to hold onto resentment, whether it is against someone else or myself. In my experience, it can manifest by being so wrapped up in what went wrong that I can't enjoy the present moment. It can also affect my ability to have meaningful connections with others because I am irritable or anxious all the time, and as a result, I am only focused on myself.
I once had a mentor who loved to say that a person wrapped up in themselves becomes a very small package. And I think that is the risk when we struggle to forgive; it becomes a way of being.
It keeps us in victim mode when we can’t forgive ourselves because then we definitely can’t forgive someone else. But I have found that the opposite is also true. When we forgive someone else, we also forgive ourselves for what we allowed to happen. Let me explain. When we forgive someone else, we are never condoning the behavior. You can make the choice to forgive someone and still choose not to spend time with them or have them in your life. You can forgive but not forget. You can separate the behavior from who they are.
But when you allow yourself to forgive, you set yourself free. You stop giving them the power which gives it back to you.
Here are three strategies that may offer support when exploring forgiveness:
1.) Practice Ho’oponopono. The words roughly translate to, "to make right" or "to correct." It is a practice of reconciliation from Indigenous Hawaiian healers that focuses on the mantra, “I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you.” I often use this practice on myself. Find a quiet space and repeat the mantra multiple times, either silently or aloud, focusing on the emotion that comes up for you behind the words. This practice can be used to address specific issues, or a specific person, or simply as a practice for self-care. Many videos can be found about it online for additional support if you are interested in learning more.
2.) Write a forgiveness letter. Write a letter to someone asking for an apology or a way to make the situation right. But if you choose to do this, it is important to write the letter as if you were actually going to send it, otherwise it won’t be as effective. Then, put the letter aside for a week before you make the decision whether to send it or set fire to it. Literally, to burn it. The act of writing it down gets it out of your head and onto paper, and therefore closer to your heart. You can also write a letter of forgiveness to yourself, which I have found especially freeing.
3.) Accept your part. This can be a challenging, but rewarding path to peace when you write down what your part in the situation was. We always play a part in conflict either directly or indirectly. Get honest with yourself and ask, “what part did I play, or what could I have done differently in this situation?” Journal about it. Because I am a writer, I process things on the page but do whatever works for you whether it is journaling, quiet reflection, or a walk in nature. As a sidenote, I understand that there are certain traumas or situations that may be utterly unforgiveable. In this case, I would work the step above with a trusted therapist or trauma coach so you can find support and the freedom you deserve.
A few additional self-reflection thoughts when it comes to forgiveness is to ask yourself, “Have I ever done what they did?” Even if it was decades ago, ask yourself honestly if you have ever been in their shoes. When we choose to see an experience as merely an event, and we release ourselves from the emotions attached to it, then we begin to find freedom.
We can also open the aperture by changing our perspective and considering what might have happened to that person that would cause them to act in such a way. Remember, hurt people hurt people.
But whatever you choose to do, do not simply ignore it when someone has hurt you. The moment you choose to face it head on; the sooner you will find set yourself free, even if the one who has hurt you is yourself.
Now, I would love to hear from you about what supports you the most when you choose to forgive.
As always, if you are interested in working with me directly to discover how private 1:1 transformational coaching can support you in becoming unstuck so that you can reach your goals faster from the inside out, email michele@michelecapots.com to schedule a FREE 60-minute clarity call. You can also download a meditation and workbook of mental wellness strategies for FREE here for support in staying in the present moment every day.
Finally, I swear it’s coming, this summer I am launching the eight-week group coaching mastermind, Being Unapologetically You, so that you can finally connect or reconnect with who you are truly meant to be and show up in the world the way you were always intended to. Details will be coming soon.
I know how many things are vying for your attention these days, so I truly appreciate you taking the time to read this far. Please hit the SUBSCRIBE button to get a new post delivered directly to your inbox next week or SHARE this post with someone who needs it.
Until then.
Be Well,
Michele